A Letter To My Father...

Hola,

How goes it my lovelies? It's been a while since my last post, and I hope you've missed me... ;). I've been debating on whether to write this one however, only because it's kind of personal and I know it will make me sad. On the other hand, these are things I've carried in my heart and soul for almost forever so why not say them. I'm sure some can relate in one way or another. So here goes:

My father died on the job exactly two months and one day after I was born in the Dominican Republic. He died trying to save his uncle, and in the end they both perished. They worked in a plant where wine was made. There were huge tanks where they prepared the mixture, added fruit, chemicals, etc. The story goes that my father's uncle slipped on the ladder in the tank and fell into the mixture while carrying the chemicals he was going to add. My father went in after him to help and did not know these chemicals had fallen in. When others realized what was wrong, it was too late. They were pulled out, but they were both already gone. They both died of asphyxiation. It was a small town in the Dominican Republic where almost everybody knew each other so word spread quickly. It is said that tales of the accident reached several connecting towns, and the funerals for both were packed with people. My mother and older brother were devastated and yet, I had no idea what was going on around me. I was baptized during my father's church service so everybody knew about the little two-month old baby girl who would never know her father.

This is my father (quite handsome if I do say so myself). I carry this picture in my wallet:

So my letter to him is below...

Dear Daddy:

Although I never had the chance to meet you, I still feel like I know you; I still love you with all my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here on earth. How different my life and everything would have been if you had lived! I wonder if I'd call you "daddy" or "papi" in Spanish. I try to imagine what it would be like to have a conversation with you. I would love to hear what your voice sounds like, and the sound of your laughter. To see your smile - is it just like mine? How would it feel to just get a hug from my dad when I needed one? What I wouldn't give to have someone to protect and defend me, and who would always be there for me. To have someone who strongly supports me so I don't always feel like I have this weight on my shoulders. To have someone who would comfort me when I'm sad, crying or just worried about something. I've rarely had that, and I know with you that would've been unconditional and always present.

Never will I know what it's like to be "daddy's little girl." As a kid, to scrape my knee and have you kiss it and make it all better, while wiping away my tears. To have arguments with you as a teenager and feel like you were just ruining my life, without knowing how precious it was to just have had you during those years. To have you punish me and then give in when I'd give you my "puppy dog" eyes (lol, I'm really good at that). To dance with you at my sweet sixteen, to watch you fret on prom night - my first night out past curfew, to see how proud you'd be when I graduated high school, started college and my first job. I wonder how you'd react when I started dating and met my very first boyfriend... I laugh just imagining what you'd say to both of us, but especially to him. I could hear you putting the fear of God into the poor guy. What kind of wisdom would you have given me about men? Never will I know what sweet words you'd say to me when I had my first heartbreak and the ones thereafter. How would you comfort me, what advice would you give me to help me heal? Would you go in search of the guy who hurt your little girl? Ha, I'm betting you would. One of my biggest regrets is if I ever get married, I will never be able to dance with my father at my wedding. To have you give me away to my future husband. To have you look at me on that special day with so much love and awe and tell me how beautiful I look (of course I'd be wearing a dress that I designed, *smile*). Oh how I wish you were here dad!

As a grown woman, what kind of conversations would we have? Would I ever do anything to disappoint you? Would you forgive me if I did? I think you would. If I told you my dreams of starting my own business back when I was younger, would you support me and help me in every way you could? No one in my life did when I let it be known that this was what I wanted. Yet I know you would've told me to always follow my dreams; to never give up on them and most importantly, you would've helped me start. I know because I've heard countless stories about you from those who knew you. They all tell wonderful stories about what a brave and great man you were. They describe you as a man with good morals, manners and principals. You were a true gentleman. Everyone attests to how responsible, fair, hardworking, sensitive, caring, understanding and charming you were. You were always willing to lend a helping hand to anyone who was in need. You stood your ground when you knew you were right. They also said how stubborn and determined you were. So yes, I know you would have helped me to follow my dreams. You'd tell me that I could do anything I wanted and to never give up on those dreams. You would be that person who would believe in me even when I stop believing in myself. As for the business dream, I confess that I gave up... I did. I felt I couldn't do it alone, and I've never had that support from those close to me. However, I know that you'll be so proud now because I've decided to go for it this time even if I do it alone. Wherever you are dad, I know this is making you smile and you're saying "that's my baby." :)

Daddy, I wonder about so many things when it comes to you, and it makes me so sad that we never got to know each other. I miss you every single day. I really do! It hurts to know that our relationship never got a chance to flourish. We never got the chance to form that bond where it became the most beautiful, closest and trusting relationship I'd ever have. You know our family is okay as far as family goes, but I feel so alone in the midst of them. Like I don't belong, like there's always been something and someone missing to make me click with the rest of them. That something and someone is you. Nonetheless, not having you around has made me the strong woman that I am today. I've learned to take care of myself and others, to be independent and take charge. I've learned to handle whatever comes my way and somehow in the end, I always manage to get through. So perhaps, the hidden reason in growing up without my father was to make me the person I am today. Even so, I still wish you were here because I'd end up being just the same only with a little more happiness and so much more love. I know it!

Sometimes, however, I have to admit that I do get angry at you for leaving. I understand your need to help those in trouble, but why would you jump into that tank without stopping to think first. Analyze the situation and think of the consequences. But that was not you right? Your instinct was to help first and think later. You never considered that your wife, your son and your newborn baby girl at home could possibly lose you.  Were we the last thought that went through your mind on that fateful day? I get so angry sometimes, and just ask why you had to go away in such a manner and so soon. My comfort is that you died a hero. You died trying to save someone else's life so even in death you died as a brave and great man, and that makes me so proud of you.

I want you to know that I carry your picture in my wallet. It's my favorite picture of you because you look so handsome. I look at it and it's like I'm looking at myself in the mirror. We have the same sad eyes, the long eyelashes, even the stare is the same! We share the same nose and mouth and thankfully, because of your wonderful genes we're both tall and slim. Everyone in our family is forever saying how I look exactly like you. My aunt (your sister) gets this wistful look in her eyes when she looks at me. She says she just sees you. I wish I had been able to take just one picture with you (can we say Photoshop at some point?). I'm told by many that I have your personality as well, right down to liking and disliking the same things you did. I have your sense of responsibility, your stubbornness and determination, the way I care for others and that sensitivity is all from you. This is how I know that if you were here, we'd be so close. We'd get along so well, even while butting heads. Our love would be unbreakable, unconditional and forever just there. I'd be daddy's little girl!

I will always have you in my heart, in my soul and in every wish I make, it's you that I wish for. I miss you every single day, but I know dad that you're in heaven or somewhere very beautiful. You're watching over me, smiling at me and feeling extremely proud of the woman your daughter has become. I sense that you're blessing me with great things and taking care of me even from afar. I wish that I had even one chance of seeing you in person, of hearing your voice; of hugging you and telling you that I love you. I wonder if you'd ever show up in my dreams just to get a glimpse... But I live knowing that someday we may meet and that day I will finally get that hug and that smile from you and hear you say "I love you."

In the meantime, watch over me and guide me and know that your little girl loves you and misses you with all her heart and soul! The saying "the good die young" is so true. You died way before you should have dad!  You really did!

Te quiero mucho papi! Besos! <3

Until we meet Daddy. Forever yours!

Your daughter,

AnnaCris <3

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